When Answers Aren't Enough: Experiencing God as Good When Life Isn’t
I’m a pastor; I know how to reconcile a good God with an often evil world. I could give those answers in my sleep. But what should I do when those simple solutions fail to satisfy? When the sadness is heavy and sinking, and answers aren’t enough? I believe God is good, but how do I experience him as good when grief is raining down?
Losing God: Clinging to Faith through Doubt and Depression
Throughout my four-year battle with depression and doubt, I searched in vain for a book I felt captured the horror of unrelenting anxiety and despair. What I really wanted was just to know that someone, anyone, had shared my pain and asked my questions. I never found such a book. Losing God is my attempt at writing it.
“TORN”: The best book you’ll read this year
You need to read TORN: Rescuing the Gospel from the Gays-vs.-Christians Debate. (For my fellow nerds, that’s TORN, not TRON.) Gay or straight, for or against gay relationships, you need to read it. If you feel like this issue matters to the church, you need to read it. While TORN doesn’t release until November, as I write this it’s available for pre-order at almost half-off the retail price at Amazon.com.How do I know you need to read it? How do I know it’s the best book you’ll read this year? I’ve read the manuscript. Shhh. Don’t tell. It is hands down the best book I’ve read on homosexuality as it affects the Christian faith. You’d have to read thousands and thousands of pages in dozens of other books to get get what author Justin Lee has managed to condense into one 272-page book.
From the publisher …
TORN provides insightful, practical guidance for all committed Christians who wonder how to relate to gay friends or family members–or who struggle with their own sexuality. Convinced that “in a culture that sees gays and Christians as enemies, gay Christians are in a unique position to bring peace,” Lee demonstrates that people of faith on both sides of the debate can respect, learn from, and love one another.
And while I’m copying and pasting, here’s the “About the Author” section from Amazon.
Justin Lee is the founder and executive director of The Gay Christian Network (GCN), a nonprofit, interdenominational organization working to increase dialogue between gays and Christians and support people on both sides wrestling with related issues.
A passionate Christian from a conservative evangelical background, Justin thought he knew everything there was to know about the Christian approach to homosexuality-until unexpected events turned his world upside down and forced him to reconsider everything he believed. Today, his organization works with individuals, families, and churches to stop the debate from tearing people apart.
Justin’s work has garnered national attention and praise from gays and Christians from across the theological spectrum. He has been featured in numerous print, radio, and television venues including Dr. Phil, Anderson Cooper 360, the Associated Press, and a front page article in The New York Times. He is the director of the 2009 documentary Through My Eyes about the debate’s impact on young Christians, and the co-host of popular long-running podcast GCN Radio. Justin lives in Raleigh, NC.
Hopefully, as we approach November, I’ll have an interview with Justin here on my blog.
Did I mention you need to read TORN?
Franklin Graham was wrong
By now you probably have heard that Obama has endorsed the idea of marriage for same-sex partners. And it will probably not surprise you that Franklin Graham did not like hearing this, given that he was one of the biggest proponents of North Carolina’s anti-gay marriage amendment that passed on Tuesday. Fine. He’s entitled to his opinion, one shared by many, many evangelicals. What bothers me is the way he expressed that view. In a written statement, Graham said,In changing his position from that of Senator/candidate Obama, President Obama has, in my view, shaken his fist at the same God who created and defined marriage. It grieves me that our president would now affirm same-sex marriage, though I believe it grieves God even more.
Really? The president is shaking his fist at God? That implies Obama a) knows what God thinks about the matter, and b) has chosen to arrogantly, rebelliously give God the middle finger and support gay marriage anyway. Is that what Obama did? Here’s what the president said on Wednesday:
I’ve just concluded that for me personally it is important for me to go ahead and affirm that I think same-sex couples should be able to get married … I hesitated on gay marriage in part because I thought civil unions would be sufficient … I was sensitive to the fact that for a lot of people, the word “marriage” evokes very powerful traditions, religious beliefs … [but] when we think about our faith, the thing at root that we think about is, not only Christ sacrificing himself on our behalf, but it’s also the Golden Rule, you know, treat others the way you would want to be treated.
That is shaking your fist at God? Quoting Christ’s Golden Rule as your reason for endorsing gay marriage? Really? Does Mr. Graham really believe that the president is, not just misguided or deceived, but actually standng in the face of God, flying him the bird?
When I think of stiff-necked, willful rebellion against God, I think of Pharaoh refusing to let God’s people go in the book of Exodus. Pharaoh time and again resisted the clear will of God, and he did so angrily and full of spite for God and his people. Finally, Pharaoh said in Exodus, chapter 10,
Get out of my sight! Make sure you do not appear before me again! The day you see my face you will die.
Folks, THAT is shaking your fist at God, and it’s nowhere near what President Obama did on Wednesday. In fact, I found Obama’s statement rather tepid, almost anemic. He “um”ed and “uh”ed his way through it, looking at the floor half the time. It was certainly not an enthusiatic final step in his evolution on the subject. I saw no fists or fingers flying.
Franklin Graham owes the president an apology, and he owes the church an apology too, for it is rhetoric like Mr. Graham’s that soils the reputation and witness of Jesus in our culture today. It wasn’t enough for Franklin Graham to have his marriage amendment, reinforcing what was already law in the state of North Carolina and further fueling the animosity between fundamentalist Christians and members of the gay community. He had to go a step further and impugn the motives of anyone who sees the issue differently, for one assumes he sees all of us in support of gay marriage rights as shaking our collective fist at God.
I know very conservative Christians who voted AGAINST Tuesday’s amendment because they don’t think it’s a matter for the state, but rather for the church, to decide. They feel that, whether they like it or not, the US Constitution guarantees gays and lesbians the freedom to marry. Are they shaking a fist too? What about people like Justin Lee of the Gay Christian Network, who wrote a brilliant piece on Wednesday arguing for calm, rational, Christ-like responses in the wake of North Carolina’s vote, even though he favors gay marriage? Is he shaking a fist at God? Am I? I spent two years reading thousands of pages of history and exegesis on the relevant passages of the Bible concerning homosexuality, and I came to a good-faith decision that homosexuality was not intrinsically disordered or evil. But even before that decision, I was on the side of same-sex marriages being legal because I simply believe that in America, unless I can demonstrate that you are hurting someone–and vague, fearful accusations about harming the institution of marriage are not a demonstration–then I don’t have the right to interfere with your pursuit of happiness. Does that mean I too am shaking a fist at the Creator?
Christians really do need to speak out against this kind of crazy talk. Sure, go about it in a healthy, Jesus-like manner, but say this is wrong! Say that Franklin Graham was out of line. We have to hold our own in the church accountable. How else will people know that this man speaks for himself alone, not for the church as a whole, unless we tell them? How else will we avoid complicity in this man’s behavior except to disavow it?
Franklin Graham ended his written statement this way: “This is a sad day for America. May God help us.”
With that, I totally agree.
Amendment One: Thoughts and prediction
So here we go. Tomorrow is finally the vote on North Carolina’s marriage amendment to the state constitution. What do I think will happen? My guess–and I hope I’m wrong–is that the amendment will pass, and probably by a comfortable margin. I’d like to think otherwise, but every single poll I’ve seen would have to be way off. Consistently, the polls have shown the same things: 1) roughly 55% favor the amendment, 2) a majority of people don’t know what the amendment says, and 3) once they know, about 60% oppose it. Problem is, there simply isn’t enough time before tomorrow’s vote to educate people. I saw one poll that said close to 10% of people thought the bill legalized gay marriage. And most don’t realize it prohibits even civil unions, meaning gay couples would not even have say in health decisions affecting their partners. It’s just wrong. It’s awful. But it’s probably going to happen.Another reason I suspect the amendment will pass is that there are an awful lot of churches in North Carolina like Berean Baptist of Fayetteville that wield a strong influence over much of the state, particularly the eastern half. You might have seen Berean’s pastor, Sean Harris, on TV recently after his rant on homosexuality went viral. I’m going to quote him, but it’s much more powerful to watch him say the words, so take a moment to watch the video.
Click here for Berean Baptist video
Pastor Harris says,
“So your little son starts to act a little girlish when he is four years old and instead of squashing that like a cockroach and saying, ‘Man up, son, get that dress off you and get outside and dig a ditch, because that is what boys do,’ you get out the camera and you start taking pictures of Johnny acting like a female and then you upload it to YouTube and everybody laughs about it and the next thing you know, this dude, this kid is acting out childhood fantasies that should have been squashed.
“Dads, the second you see your son dropping the limp wrist, you walk over there and crack that wrist. Man up. Give him a good punch. Ok? You are not going to act like that. You were made by God to be a male and you are going to be a male. And when your daughter starts acting too butch, you reign [sic] her in. And you say, ‘Oh, no, sweetheart. You can play sports. Play them to the glory of God. But sometimes you are going to act like a girl and walk like a girl and talk like a girl and smell like a girl and that means you are going to be beautiful. You are going to be attractive. You are going to dress yourself up.’”
Yeah.
I checked out Berean’s website. They are not, as you might expect, some rural, backwoods, backward church. They are a rather large church in the city of Fayetteville, North Carolina. A lot of people sit under that pastor’s teaching every Sunday. Just imagine yourself as a gay kid, maybe 12 or 13, hearing a sermon like that. And part of their mission statement, posted online, reads, “Create a Community of Believers Profoundly Impacted by God’s Love.” Not sure what all the capital letters are about, but whatever. What is a gay kid supposed to make of God’s love that involves punching kids and cracking wrists and applying unwanted makeup in an effort to cover up “butch” tendencies? (NOTE: The Bible that Harris is supposedly teaching expressly tells women NOT to do this. 1 Peter 3 says, “Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self …”)
If I’m not mistaken, Pastor Harris’ church strongly supports Amendment One, even though their website reads,
“From the beginning, Baptists have insisted upon the separation of the church and state. Baptists believe the authority of the State should never be used to force conversion, baptism, attendance, or compliance with church ordinances …”
So why the amendment to force compliance with a church’s particular view of marriage?
And so, I suspect the amendment will pass, due in no small part to the influence of leaders like Mr. Harris, and the result will be the further retreat of LGBT people from anything that smacks of Christianity. How sad. Yes, it’s unfair to lump all churches into the mold of Berean Baptist. Even in North Carolina, most churches are nothing like that. Nothing at all. Certainly the one I attend isn’t. But there are a signficant number of churches here that are, and after years of hearing such rants, many in the LGBT community have come to view all Christians as a collective “Church.” To many, the Church is a force, an entity, an agent of discrimination standing in the way of reason and liberty. No, this is not reality, and it isn’t fair, but it is perception, and a powerful one at that. And this is the perception many of us who follow Jesus will be contending with for generations as we try to persuade people that Jesus is better than what they may have heard. Amendment One will simply tack on an extra generation or two of work for us.
And for what? No one believes the amendment will survive the next 20 years, not even the Republican leaders who put forth the measure. Either the next generation will nullify it when they come of voting age, or the United States Supreme Court will decide all such amendments are unconstitutional. So this too shall pass, and probably fairly soon. And all that will remain is the animosity such measures breed.
You’ve got gay mail!
While I can’t respond to every email, Facebook message, etc., that I receive concerning The Gay™, there are a few messages I want to comment on because I suspect they represent the broadly held feelings of those on the other side of the issue. I have edited the messages to protect people’s identities because I’m just that kind of guy, and I’ll even use bad grammar in my response for the same reason. Some of you know what a sacrifice that will be for me.Matt,
Thank you for your blog. It has made me more firm in my beliefs than ever. You see, I already agreed that the [Old Testament] law is not applicable to us so that was not a hurdle for me. What gives me confidence is that it is restated in the New Testament by Paul. The theological gymnastics that you have to do to make it out to be anything else is very confirming to me.
I know that you think I am some ultra conservative. Actually, I am known for being very open-minded. I am not repulsed by the act of homosexuality itself. I don’t think we should banish homosexuals or imprison them or hate them or isolate them or whatever else some people actually believe. I am considered very odd [by some people in my life] for believing that you can naturally have an attraction to the same sex. I get it. Matt, I believe what you are feeling. I believe it as much as I believe that [some people have] a tendency to gorge on food (a sin) or get very, very angry. I validate your feelings. They are real, but it doesn’t make them godly.
Do you not trust God to provide for you? Is He not big enough to either give you a contentment to remain single or a desire to enter into a Biblical marriage? Is He that small and incapable? I have a friend who has been married for 20+years to the same person despite having been a homosexual before salvation. Regardless of what you want to believe, they are happy. God didn’t make my friend sacrifice happiness on an altar somewhere. Stop believing that you are responsible for your own happiness. Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart and lean not on your own understanding.
My friend has a problem with assumptions. First, they assume they know what I think about them. “I know that you think I am some ultra conservative.” Well, actually, no, this person does not know I think that because this friend and I haven’t had a conversation of depth in years. My friend also assumes that I must not believe their gay friend who’s heterosexually married is happy. Why would I doubt that? If they say they’re happy, then I assume they’re happy. I, too, have a friend who is married heterosexually despite being primarily homosexually attracted. My friend says he’s happy. Great! That doesn’t lead me to assume that every gay man or woman will have the same experience if they marry a person of the opposite sex. In fact, since moving to Charlotte, I’ve met gay guys who either married or were engaged to women (mostly for religious reasons), and it ended terribly for the reasons you’d expect.
My friend goes on to assume, as well, that they know why I have concluded The Gay™ may be ok. Clearly, I don’t trust God to provide for me. I see God as “that small and incapable.” Yes, here the shaming accusation is put in the form of a question only, but it’s obviously rhetorical, because in a follow up email, my friend states it imperatively:
Matt, I am sad over the fact that you think God is limited in His ability to provide for you. He is love, and He loves you, Matt. He is infinitely far greater than we could imagine.
My former therapist (reparative therapist, no less) taught me a helpful skill whenever I am presented with a shaming accusation. He taught me to ask myself objective questions, to essentially question the shame to see whether it’s true. If it’s not true, the feeling of shame evaporates because it wasn’t based in reality. If it is true, then you move into compassion mode and ask yourself why is the shaming statement true. So let’s do it. Let’s take my friend’s accusation and put it to the test. Here is an example of how a therapy session might go. (My therapist’s name was Tim, so that’s the name I’ll use here.)
TIM: What is the shame-based self-statement?
MATT: I have decided that gay is ok because I have given up on God being able to provide for me, to either make me happy as a single man or to provide a wife for me. I see God as small and incapable. I see him as limited in his ability to provide for me. I’m trusting myself, not God.
TIM: Ok. Objectively, is that true?
MATT: No!
TIM: Yeah, how do you know it isn’t true?
MATT: Well, for starters, I frequently pray that if I’m wrong in my conclusion about homosexuality, God will simply not provide a mate for me. That he’ll satisfy me with being single. And whenever I meet a guy I’m interested in, I pray every time, “God, if he’s not FROM you, he’s not FOR me, so show me whether he’s from you.” That’s not the attitude of a person who sees God as “small” or “limited.” Just the opposite! Last week I was talking with a friend, and I told him how being on this side of the issue takes as much or more faith than it took being on the other side, because now I have options, whereas before I had none. Now I have to trust God to send me not just any ol’ guy, but one who is compatible with my faith, and holding out for a gay man who still likes God or the church and is willing to wait on sex, AND that I find attractive–let’s just say, if I end up married, we’ll know it was God.
TIM: Yeah, yeah! What else?
MATT: If I had given up on God providing for me, and I were just out for my own happiness now, I’d be in a relationship right now. It’s not like I haven’t had offers. But I’m still single. I’m as single as I was before I thought God was ok with this. Nothing has changed except my view on the issue! I’m not out dating just anyone who will say yes. I’m not pining away until someone tells me, “I do.” I’m not sleeping with anyone. And believe me, if I wanted sex, I could be having it within minutes in this town. It’s that easy in a city. I know exactly where to go, and who to call, and what app I need on my iPhone. And I told a friend just last week that, while I’d like to be in a relationship, and while I think marriage ultimately would be more fulfilling for me than singleness, I’m ok either way. I’m genuinely happy with my life in Charlotte. I have a good job, good friends, a great home–God has provided for me just fine, and I’m happy.
The session could go on, but you get the point. By examining the shame, by interrogating it, looking at it in the light of the facts, one sees that it isn’t true, is released from the false guilt, and moves on with life, sad for their friend who somehow thinks they can divine, as though they were God, what is going on in the heart of a guy they haven’t talked to in years.
Why is it that my friend can’t simply believe that I came to a different conclusion on the issue through a process of honest investigation that was full of integrity, not through some theological gymnastics? Why must I have some ulterior motive? After all, I’ve had friends on the other side of the issue tell me they respect the way I went about arriving at my belief. They know, as much as anyone can know such a thing about another person, that I pursued the truth as best I could, not free from bias, of course, but not letting bias unduly influence me either. Again, why can’t this friend who emailed me believe the same? Maybe it’s because, for them, the issue is so clear, that the only path to a different opinion is one of insincerity.
So what would my friend say to a straight Christian who has come to believe The Gay™ is ok? I’m talking about a person who has no dog in the fight. Someone who isn’t gay and doesn’t have a close family member who is gay. I know a couple of pastors here in North Carolina who used to be on the anti-gay side, who grew up in a rural area with all its attendant anti-gay bias, and yet they studied the issue, read lots of books, and came to the belief that gay might just be ok. And these guys used to be hard core anti-gay. One of them said to me, “We used to beat up people like you.” So what changed their minds? Obviously, they don’t stand to gain personally from a pro-gay theology. If anything, they stand to lose, in the form of congregants and tithes. This is North Carolina, after all. Obviously, they can’t be accused of trusting themselves for happiness, either, as my friend accuses me, because what difference does it make to them whether it’s ok to be gay? They’re married to women!
For the record, I still trust God for my happiness, not perfectly, but certainly not as imperfectly as my friend who emailed me suggests. I haven’t closed any doors. If I remain single, so be it. If God sends me a woman that wows me as no woman ever has, so be it. If God sends me a man who rocks my world, yeehaw! Amen, and amen.
Another email when I have time …
My NY Times best-selling friend
A few years ago, my friend Kiera Cass wrote a book for young adult girls called The Siren, featuring a mostly lavender cover with fanciful script font and a pic of a woman in soft focus wearing a flowing white dress standing by some gentle water. It was the very image of masculinity, so I bought a copy. No. I bought a copy because Kiera is my friend, and I wanted to support her. I even promised to read the book on an upcoming trip I was taking. Obviously, I could not be seen in public toting such a thing, so I manned it up with some camo duct tape. 
And are those condescending thoughts I remember having?
Oh look, Kiera SELF-published a book. Not quite like getting a publisher (or two) to publish your book(s), but good for her!
That was 2009. Today, one of my books is already out of print, and Kiera Cass just became a New York Times Best-selling author. So there ya go. Her teen fiction novel, The Selection, published by Harper (yes, the one and only), debuted (!) in the top 10. Do you realize how few people ever accomplish that? It is an extraordinary achievement.
I wanted to know how Kiera did it and how she is dealing with it, so I exchanged messages with her the other night. She gave me permission to share her thoughts here.MATT: First, how are you handling the madness around you?
KIERA: I guess I’m handling everything … ok? I don’t know! The funny thing is that even though it’s this huge deal and I’m super proud, nothing has changed. Tonight, I still had to run to my church small group, and my son Guyden is demanding milk and bananas, and there was laundry to fold. You know, same old same old. So it’s kind of funny.
MATT: Ok, so HOW did this madness happen? I mean, obviously, the book is good or people wouldn’t be buying it, but how did it get so big so fast? How did you get an agent, when almost no one does? How did you get a big publisher, when almost no one does? How did your book break through to the top of thousands, when almost no one’s does. I mean, this is incredible, and you did it without any major connections, right?KIERA: I’m not 100% sure myself how it happened. My editor specifically warned me that the chances of this happening were SUPER slim. Not because the book is bad, but because there are a lot of other great young adult books out there that probably wouldn’t budge. And I know my sales were good for an unknown debut, but when I called my agent to tell her the news, her first reaction was, “I didn’t even think we had enough books printed to make the list!” So, you know, my reaction was, “Are you punking me?”
I got my agent the old fashioned way, sending out queries. For The Siren, I sent out 80+ queries, had 10 agents read it, and no one wanted it. For The Selection, I sent out 13 queries, 2 agents wanted it, and I got to pick. Until I got her, though, I didn’t know my editor already had a few bestsellers on her hands. And she’s been promoted twice since I’ve been with her.
Some of this has to do with timing, I think. The Selection has been compared to The Hunger Games a lot, which is huge right now. But when I queried, The Hunger Games wasn’t The Hunger Games, ya know? My book just happened to come out at a time when people want something that gives them that same buzz, I guess? My book isn’t that much like The Hunger Games to me, but I know that the comparision has interested a few people, so that might be part of it, too.
So, honestly, it just kind of happened. I don’t think I could have made it happen this way if I tried. Crazy, yes?
And I can’t even dance around because I have edits due Monday on the next book that I am WAY behind on. And I’m off to work on that now!
So, there ya have it folks, from Kiera herself. Oh, and did I mention CW is making a TV show out of her book? Yeah.
Congratulations, Kiera! You rock. Very, very excited for you. And when I write my teen girls fiction novel, I know who to go to for connections.
Holocaust Remembrance Day
Today is Holocaust Remembrance Day, when we take time to reflect upon, and hopefully learn from, an evil so immense, words almost fail to describe or explain it. I chose the picture to the left because it was the only one I could find that was in color. Black and white dulls the reality, takes the slightest edge off the horror. This is a day to deny ourselves such a comfort. Today we should stare at the full outrage and ask ourselves all the appropriate questions: How could any people do this to another people? How could enough people be made to go along with this? How do we stop this from ever happening again?
As I wrote in my book, When Answers Aren’t Enough,
“Holocaust is formed by the mixing of two words, holos, meaning ‘completely,’ and kaustos, meaning ‘burnt.’ Completely burnt. And the Jews surely would have been, had the world not gone to war.”
On this Holocaust Remembrance Day, let’s take time to reflect on the near-total destruction of the Jews, an almost completely burnt race and culture, saved by a world’s stepping in, albeit six million Jews too late. And let’s remember those who still suffer the after effects of so great an evil.
Elie Wiesel, a Holocaust surviver, writes in his book Night,
Never shall I forget that night, the first night in camp, that turned my life into one long night seven times sealed.
Never shall I forget that smoke.
Never shall I forget the small faces of the children whose bodies I saw transformed into smoke under a silent sky.
Never shall I forget those flames that consumed my faith forever.
Never shall I forget the nocturnal silence that deprived me for all eternity of the desire to live.
Never shall I forget those moments that murdered my God and my soul and turned my dreams to ashes.
Never shall I forget those things, even were I condemned to live as long as God Himself.
Never.
May we never forget either.
More gay stuff (And why I doubt)
After my last post, I intended to write no more on the matter of gay relationships as they pertain to Christian faith. I felt it was a good conclusion, and I didn’t want the Gay Posts to become so numerous that no one could come along later and read all of them. I continue to receive messages, however, some of which ask questions I’d like to address, so once more at the risk of my sanity, I will take up the issue. I have created a new category, “More Gay Stuff,” so that the “The Gay Posts” can stand on their own. People who wish to read further, can do so in the new category. Incidentally, I had considered calling the new category, “The Post ‘Gay Posts’ Posts,” but I was afraid someone would mistake the bloggings therein for ex-gay articles. You will notice I have reinstated the comments feature. Be good, or Daddy will take away your privileges. Please post your comments here, not on my Facebook page.One of the most frequent suggestions I get in messages people send me is the notion that because I have doubts about my own position on the issue at hand, somehow that indicates a flaw in my thinking. In other words, if I were right, my mind wouldn’t trouble me with uncertainty. Some have gone as far as to say that my doubts are really the work of the Holy Spirit, dogging me until I repent of my heretical position.
Folks, you need to know I doubt everything. It’s the result of an unrelentingly analytical nature. I question everything. Twice. Three times. And more. I’m highly suspicious of human nature and think we often settle for convenient “truths” that aren’t really true at all because it suits us to do so. With a mindset like that, I’m bound to doubt. If I held the other position on the gay issue, I’d have just as many doubts. More, probably. And as for the idea that my doubts are the nagging of the Holy Spirit: during the four years I wrote about in Losing God, was the Holy Spirit the source of my doubts then, as well? When I doubted God’s love, his goodness, his mercy, his worthiness to sit as judge–were these also the promptings of the Holy Spirit? To hear some of my friends talk, one would think that whenever I doubt what they believe, the devil is afoot, and whenever I doubt what they disbelieve, the Holy Spirit is at work. That’s very convenient, but I doubt (intended) that it’s true.
I doubt because the stakes are high.
I doubt because I have imperfect knowledge.
I doubt because I cannot ask Paul some important questions.
I doubt because I THINK.
I doubt, and yet I must decide. In the absence of certainty, I still have to make a choice. Silence is not an option. Non-heterosexual people in our churches want to know, what does Jesus think of me? What does he want me to do with my life, with my sexuality? You have to tell them something. What are you going to tell them? I have to tell them something, even in the presence of uncertainty–normal, understandable, not-the-result-of-God-or-Satan uncertainty.
Given how much we don’t know, can’t know for sure–what arensenokoitai means, what and whom Paul specifically was addressing in Romans 1, how one distinguishes with precision cultural commands from those that are eternal–if you don’t have at least a touch of uncertainty yourself, something is wrong. If you can tell me you are absolutely, 100-percent confident in your position on this matter, then someone has gotten inside your head, hijacked your brain, and forbid you use of it, and you need to figure out who that person is so you can get your integrity back. You’ve heard the slogan, “What’s in your wallet?” Well, I would ask, “Who’s in your head?” We all have voices, influences, biases bouncing around in our heads, and some of us have ceded our ability to think to those voices, be they of pastors, or politicians, or family members, or whoever. Please don’t say you only listen to the Bible. Nobody but you and maybe your mom buys that. The very questions we’re asking are inspired by the Bible. Many of us are listening to the Bible and yet coming to different conclusions. We need to take a harder look at why that is. The process of doing so is inherently one of uncertainty. The very beginning of that process is, “What if?” What if I’m wrong? If you can’t ask yourself that, then, again, your brain is in someone else’s hands.
Homosexuality: What if I’m wrong?
(NOTE: Please, no comments on my Facebook page. Online debates devolve almost instantly into something unpleasant. If you feel the need to slam me, please take to your own Facebook page or blog to do so. You can also message me privately through this website or through my Facebook page. Thank ye.)Heaven help the person who is just starting the Gay Posts. We’ve covered a lot of territory. Time to ask the big question: Could I be wrong? In the words of C.S. Lewis, “Quite easily, I should think.” Anyone who holds my current view of homosexuality as it relates to Christian faith is bucking the traditional view held throughout much of church history. That alone ought to give a person pause. Add on the obvious bias I have in that I am gay and stand to benefit from a pro-gay God.
Of course, as we’ve seen previously, the issue of bias affects us all (read my post, “Sorry, but we are all biased”). The heterosexual anti-homosexuality Christian has every bit as much bias working on him from the opposite direction. We cannot eliminate biases. We can only try to control for them so that they do not unduly influence our decisions. Admitting our biases is the first step, so I fully acknowledge mine. I also acknowledge, as I have before, that I am not certain I am right. How could I be? Among my main points in the Gay Posts has been that I don’t think the Scriptures are crystal clear on the matter, so I’m having to set a course in the absence of a perfectly obvious path.
And then there’s the problem of the pendulum. Any time a person’s view on a critical matter changes as sharply and swiftly (if two year’s time is swift) as mine has, you have to wonder if it at some point there will be a correction. When will the pendulum swing back the other way? It’s possible I’ll return to the subject five or ten years from now, thinking, “What is this drivel I’ve written?” But I feel that corrections of that sort usually happen because the person made a huge shift in their beliefs without thinking things through. No one could possibly accuse me of that. So, yes, a pendulum correction is possible, but not likely, I think.
Bottom line, I could be wrong, and probably am on at least some of my points. With as much ground as we’ve covered, I’d think that’s almost a certainty. Maybe my definition of sexual immorality is off. Maybe my standard for determining what is sin and what isn’t is off. Maybe arsenokoitai means just what the NIV translators think. Maybe, for reasons unbeknownst to us, God simply is nauseated by homosexuality. It’s possible. There are things that sicken me for which I cannot give a reason. I simply don’t like them, and that is that.
I could be wrong, so what are the consequences if I am? Perhaps a better question to ask is, what are the consequences for the two sides in the disagreement, since one is wrong, and since it stands to reason there would be consequences for whichever side is.
First, I have to think grace holds, regardless. I find no scriptural reason for thinking ignorance and wrong-thinking are unforgiveable sins. They aren’t blasphemy against the Holy Spirit, after all. They aren’t unbelief. They are imperfect belief. They are just “getting it wrong.” Unfortunate, but not unforgiveable. Despite the suggestion of some, I am not simply trying to justify sin. I’m trying to understand. If my understanding is wrong, my position as a son of God is secure, if grace is in fact full and free. The same for you, whatever your view of homosexuality. But what about more temporal consequences?
If gay relationships are not biblically sound, nothing much changes for my having been in one and advocated for them. No one has been hurt, as far as I can tell. I’ve seen no evidence that gay relationships negatively affect society.
If, on the other hand, I maintain that God is or may be offended even by gay relationships that are marked by sacrificial love and commitment, when in fact he is not offended by them, the temporal consequences are pretty terrible. I would be guilty of A) speaking falsely about God, B) putting people under a harsh law of lifelong loneliness that God never intended they live under, C) contributing to a mindset that feeds oppression in the form of ballot initiatives outlawing same-sex marriage and other rights, D) fueling self-hatred in gay adolescents trying to come to terms with their differentness, and E) adding to the already-damaged reputation of the church and the Gospel throughout the world.
And what about the practical matters of gays in the church? What would I do when a gay couple with kids comes to my church and wants to serve? Am I really going to tell them no because it’s possible their relationship displeases God, but I can’t be sure because there’s a dispute among theologians as to how exactly to translate arsenokoitai and how exactly to interpret Romans 1, and so, just to be safe, maybe they should divorce their spouse and break up their family, and then they can serve? If I’m not going to say that, what is my reason? If I really think they might be living in sin, don’t I have to tell them that before letting them lead in the church? And if you would say, “Well, a gay couple with kids would never come to my church anyway,” I hope that keeps you up at night.
The risks and consequences exist regardless which path you take in this debate since either path could be wrong. While I humbly and fully acknowledge the possibility that I’m wrong, good common sense and the Scriptures, unclear as they may be on the issue, seem on the side of accepting gay relationships that are marked by the same self-sacrifice and commitment that we look for in a heterosexual relationship. If I am wrong, God knows I am sincerely wrong, having thought this thing to death. I remain ready to reverse my thinking if God tells me to, if new information I hadn’t considered comes to my attention. For now, I’ve exhausted what I can know about the matter, and this is where I stand.
Homosexuality and the way we talk to one another
Over the course of the Gay Posts, I’ve received a couple similar responses from folks I know, people who once were my good friends, many, many years ago. The most recent comment said, “I guess if one tried hard enough they could explain away and justify adultery, lying, murder …” The not-so-veiled suggestion, of course, is that I’m simply trying to justify my sin. I couldn’t possibly have a good motive in what I’m attempting with these posts, and somehow the person making the comment knows this. Another previous comment was even more pointed. It said, “When you’re done justifying your sin, I’d like you tell me how I can justify my lust because that’s easier than repenting.”These responses are so shocking they literally take my breath away for a moment when I first read them. It’s not just the awfulness of the comments. It’s that I know these people! They’re people I went to college with. We prayed together. Worshipped together. Laughed and enjoyed life together. Now, this is all that remains because one of us took a non-traditional view of a moral issue. These comments, while more shocking when coming from “friends,” would be totally inappropriate for any Christian.
They are arrogant.
Somehow the authors of these statements are blessed in their own minds with an ability to know my true motives in writing these posts, and to know that those motives are evil. They are able to tell what even my closest friends cannot. They know that I am simply justifying my sin. And they know this, having had no contact with me in years. They know this, having not sat beside me a single day as I poured over thousands of pages on the culture and context of Scripture. And they know this, having had not a single conversation with anyone who has walked with me in the last ten years of life. If they had, they would know or at least strongly suspect that my motives are better than that.They are unkind.
Even if you thought someone was simply justifying their sin, would it ever be appropriate to respond in a snarky manner? When Paul encountered people living in sin, his response was not, “Hey, let me hop on Facebook and see what clever retort I can fire off.” Instead, he wrote, “I have often told you before and now tell you again even with tears, many live as enemies of the cross of Christ. Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame” (Philippians 3:18-19, emphasis, mine). Paul was clear about what he saw as the final destiny of such people, but he wasn’t happy about it. He wasn’t vengeful or rude, either. He was sad. He was grieved. He wept! He certainly didn’t make nasty, unkind comments. How is that going to turn anyone? Paul said, “Opponents must be gently instructed, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth, and that they will come to their senses and escape from the trap of the devil, who has taken them captive to do his will” (2 Timothy 2:25-26, emphasis, mine).And even as I write this, I am painfully aware of my own cheeky attacks I’ve made in the past which I’ve fired off in anger or self-righteous zeal, reaping a quick hit of dopamine at my clever turn of phrase—and grieving God’s heart in the process. For these moments of selfish pleasure, I repent.
Homosexuality and the desire to beat my head against a wall
My last post was all about how one determines what instruction in the Bible is cultural (not intended for all times) and what is eternal (unchanging). I said, “It’s not as simple as one might think–or hope.” A few days later, I received this comment:“It is simple … you just have to believe what God says in His Word and quit believing everything the world tells you is moral. We are in the last days of this age and the Bible says that in those days, good will be called evil and evil will be called good. Just use your good common sense.”
My first reaction is to want to beat my head against a wall, but that would hurt, and the reader who posted the comment no doubt was sincere and meant well. Also, the comment is a very common response in the Bible-belted south, where many of my readers find themselves, so I guess we should talk about it.
“It is simple … just believe what God says in His Word …” Of course this comment came without any “simple” instructions on how to answer the questions I raised in my last post. How do you determine which of the many things the Bible says are for today and which aren’t? Should women wear head coverings to church “because of the angels”? The Bible says so. Should women be silent in the church because Eve was the one first deceived, not Adam? The Bible says so. Is it “disgraceful” for a man to have long hair? Doesn’t “the very nature of things” tell us so? The Bible certainly does. If you’re going to set these commands aside, as do most churches, including (I assume) the church the commenter attends, we ought to have a reason, don’t you think? Or is it just as “simple” as believing what God says in His Word? If it is, well, ladies, get out your doilies.
“… Quit believing everything the world tells you is moral.” As though it were only “the world” telling me gay is okay. As if I’m so shallow and unthinking as to have based my beliefs on what Lady Gaga says. It’s a tad condescending. Unintentionally, perhaps, but condescending nonetheless. To think that I have the Bible figured out and others who have a different take on things are just “believing everything the world tells you is moral.” Most, if not all, of the books I read on the topic of Christian faith and homosexuality during my two years of study were written by committed Christians who were members (and often leaders) in the church. Their arguments were based on their understanding of Scripture, not the moral whims of contemporary culture. Most of my arguments here in these blog posts have been based on my understanding of the Bible, not my opinions of what today’s culture thinks. There are many issues Christians disagree over, not because they’ve been hanging out in Hollywood too long, but because they honestly, in good faith, cannot see eye to eye over the Bible. Pope Santorum and fellow Catholics think the use of condoms is immoral. Clearly, God gave us sex for procreation, so to intentionally thwart that process is sinful. At the other end of the spectrum, protestants regularly have vasectomies. They and the Fellowship of the Snip-snip see sex in Scripture as more than a procreative process. For them, sex is a beautiful picture of the two-made-one and a legitimate expression for husband and wife even when they do not wish to have children. People of both opinions get their beliefs from the Bible (and their condoms from Walgreens). It’s just not as simple as “quit believing everything the world tells you is moral.” Sometimes the confusion is homegrown. It’s origin is in the church, in the Bible, and “the world” is just a scapegoat.
“We are in the last days of this age and the Bible says that in those days, good will be called evil and evil will be called good.” I think that’s a pretty good description of all days, not just the last days. But how do you determine what is evil and what is good? Follow the Old Testament’s laws? Paul says we’re not under them anymore. Follow the apostles’ instructions? Again, ladies, the doilies, please. Love God and love people, then? I think that’s probably about right, but then why would a gay relationship be a problem if it is marked by sacrificial love and commitment?
“Just use your good common sense.” What would be the need of common sense if “the world” were always wrong and the church always right (and the Bible always clear)? The commenter seems to have unwittingly conceded in the last sentence that indeed things are not always as simple as “just believe,” and that indeed common sense judgement is often necessary to distinguish between good and evil.
Hopefully, I have displayed good common sense here in these posts. If the fruit from the traditional stance on homosexuality is bad, and I think it is; if the scriptures are unclear on the matter, as I think they are; if same-sex couples are coming to Christ and bringing their kids with them; if same-sex relationships are at least as healthy as opposite-sex relationships (and I haven’t seen any evidence to the contrary); if no demonstrable harm has come to states and cultures where gay marriage has been embraced–then perhaps our view on the matter needs to shift.
Of course, I could be wrong. Despite all my reading and thinking on the matter, despite my best efforts at exercising good common sense, I may be just plain wrong. What then? We’ll chat again soon.
